My Dreams

This past Sunday in our church's women's Relief Society class we were asked 'What dreams do you have for yourself?' I honestly couldn't think of anything when the teacher called on me to share my thoughts so I replied that I had many dreams. But I was bothered by the question and by my answer, and went up to the teacher afterwards to discuss it more.

The words I spoke in that conversation caught me off guard a little bit because I felt the truth of my statement and learned something from my own words, which can happen when we are being taught by the Holy Ghost. What I said was "Heavenly Father has given me new dreams to replace the ones I've lost". As I've pondered over that thought my faith has been expanded.

Quite frankly, I never dreamed of going to Harvard. My dream was to be happily married and raise my children in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and essentially live a comfortable, predictable, happily ever after life. When that dream began to unravel I struggled and hoped and prayed and worked and compromised and tried to hold on for years. Eventually there came a time when I had to face the reality that I was the only one who wanted that dream and that the most loving thing I could do for my husband, my children and myself was to let it go. I was, and in some ways still am, devastated to be divorced. There may always be a part of me that mourns that dream.


And then I stopped dreaming. I figured what was the point? Some hurts run so deep that we don't know how to handle them. So I turned it over to God and let Him know that I would prefer to just vanish and that I didn't know what to live for anymore. I was in survival mode and went to work and to church and home where I cocooned and hid. The struggles, conflict, heartaches and legal custody battles eventually began to ease and as time passed I began to allow myself to feel and heal.

The beauty of sunsets and bird song, of spring buds on the trees and the murmur of the small river that ran through the park as I walked brought peace. Having the opportunity to prepare lessons for church and teach and testify of my faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ without criticism brought hope. Friends and family provided comfort and perspective and support.

But going to work and striving to help students learn mostly brought concern and questions such as... If I don't believe in myself how can I help my students believe in themselves? How can I help a student who wants to drop out? What can I do to prevent students from quitting? How can I help my students want to be successful? How can I help teachers help my students? How can I support students whose parents don't support them? Where can I learn what I don't know?

In our church we have the opportunity to receive a patriarchal blessing once in our life. This blessing is given by a specially called and sustained man who holds the priesthood of God. Before a blessing he fasts and prays and spiritually prepares himself to share guidance and directions from God for each individual's life. I received mine when I was a senior in high school and in one part it mentions continuing my education and graduating to be able to support myself and help provide for a family if the need should ever be. So I've always been on the lookout for a graduate program and I've applied, moved, studied and searched for years to find a program that resonated with me, but nothing seemed quite right.


One day at work, more than a year ago, I was pleading with a student to not give up on himself and to keep working towards graduation. After our conversation, in frustration, I did a Google search for 'graduate programs in motivation', and the first entry that popped up was for Harvard's Graduate School of Education. Not even for a moment had Harvard been on my radar, but as I read about their philosophy and programs my eyes filled with tears and my heart opened wide and felt touched by the Holy Ghost. This was a graduate degree I could get excited about! The more I read the more I thought "what a great program!" and I realized that I could not ignore that kind of a reaction and it wouldn't hurt to apply.

It took about a year of preparation and study and the goal to apply became part of my Jubilee celebration. I took it right up to the deadline, submitting my application on January 5th, and once it was submitted I was satisfied. I had accomplished my goal. Then I started looking for a program that would accept me. Except the memory of that 'I want this' in my mind and in my heart kept a little hope alive for Harvard.

So back to the question about my dreams. As I have pondered all of this I am wondering if maybe God has bigger dreams for me than I could or would ever have for myself? I've thought about people in the scriptures like Moses or Nephi or Joseph Smith. I am pretty sure they never thought to themselves "My dream is to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt" or "My dream is to go to a new continent that no one knows about yet" or "My dream is to restore the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth again". How could any of those ideas even be a consideration?

We have this notion in the world that we can set our intentions and manifest our dreams if we will just visualize what we want, but what if those dreams are just small potatoes compared to what God would have us do and become? Maybe God's plans for us, if we are willing to ask and seek and follow Him are more glorious than we could even begin to imagine?

The dreams I had for myself were shattered, but the more I try to trust in God and follow Him, the more I feel hope and curiosity about where He will lead. I am also beginning to feel the truth of the words I spoke on Sunday... "Heavenly Father has given me new dreams to replace the ones I've lost."

I also believe that he will do the same for you if you will let Him.